Mindful Communication
Edition: 1
Copyright: 2019
Pages: 270
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Mindful Communication is built around the idea that every conversation is important at two levels (1) the larger situation it's part of – how the social, and cultural backgrounds of the people talking may influence the way they talk, and (2) the needs and intentions of people as they speak to each other.
These elements are woven into the first chapters of the book as Dr. Kehoe proceeds to clarify their impacts on everyday conversation.
The book then focuses on the operations of our minds in everyday talk, including the perception and cognition process of our conscious minds. Even more interesting is its review of the relationship between our conscious and adaptive unconscious minds. Our adaptive unconscious is always “ahead” of our conscious minds in assessing every situation we are in. It shapes our perceptions and the expression and management of our emotions as we speak.
Finally, the book’s latter chapters focus on everyday communication practices. Basic skills are reviewed in Dr. Kehoe’s model of the essential types of talk – Connect talk, Control talk and Dialogue talk. He has successfully taught this model of talk to undergraduate students and corporate managers for decades. People get it right away. Everyone wants to connect but differences and disagreements can instantly lead to someone trying to control the conversation to get their way. Waking up, becoming Mindful in the moment, and using the speaking and listening skills of Dialogue talk can resolve the situation to the satisfaction of both parties. Everyone can learn something from these last chapters.
Preface
Chapter 1 The Nature of Face-to-Face Communication
The Perfect Communicator
The Vain Brain
What Is Effective Communication?
Why Do People Talk?
Basic Human Needs
Cognitive Needs
Our Need to Reduce Uncertainty
Talk and the Three Fundamental Questions
What’s Going On
Who Am I to You, and Who Are You to Me, in This Situation?
What’s Going to Happen Next (After the Conversation)?
One Final Need
Shared Meaning and the Three Questions
How We Manage the Paradox
Thinking about the Process of Communicating: Talk as Tennis Match
Talk as Contest
Wiio’s Laws
Things Do Go Wrong: The 3 D’s
The 3 D’s and Good Information
How People Feel as Communicators: Comfort versus Effectiveness
A More Complex View of Interpersonal Communication
Key Elements of the IP Model
The Six People in Every Two-Person Exchange
The Six Axioms of Communication Process
Face-to-Face Communication: The Pragmatics
The Seventh Axiom: Problem-Solving in Interpersonal Communication and “Rightness”
Summary and Definition
Chapter 2 Culture in Communication
Culture as Context
Culture as a Storehouse of Meanings
Culture as a “Way of Seeing”
Culture: A More Specific Definition
Learning the Culture and the Social Order
Knowledge
Values
Norms and Mores
Behavior-Centered Norms
Position-Specific Norms
Situation-Specific Norms
Learning Values at the Level of Everyday Talk: Framing, Style, and Manner of Speech
Key Values and Framings: The Individual versus the Group
Learning a Style of Talk: High- and Low-Context Cultures
Learning a Style of Talk: High and Low Immediacy and Expressiveness
Marrying into a High Expressive Culture
Socialization and Subcultures
The Basic Tools of Talk: Words and Meaning
Words Have Two Levels of Meaning
Denotation
Connotation
More Than Words: Nonverbal Behavior—The Other Tools of Talk
Nonverbals and the Meanings of Words
Nonverbals and Relationships
Nonverbals and Emotional Communication
Face and Voice in Emotional Communication
The Face
The Voice
“All Together Now”
The Personal Insult Experiment
What’s Next
Chapter 3 The Mind in Communication: The Adaptive Unconscious
The Operations of the Adaptive Unconscious
Privileging the Conscious Mind
Beginning with Aristotle
Through René Descartes (1637)
And on to Freud (1880s)
Opening the Box: A Paradigm Shift
From the Beginning: The Need to Connect and Learn
Babies Make Choices without Words
Theory of Mind: Essential for Face-to-Face Talk
Words: The Other Essential for Talk
The Mind and the Other 10+ Million Bits
The Conscious Mind
The Adaptive Unconscious
How the Cascades of Associations Is Built
The Discovery of Nonconscious Preferences
The Adaptive Unconscious Runs Our Bodies
Three Ways the Two Minds Work Together
Function 1: Helps the Conscious Mind Think and Problem-Solve Efficiently
Function 2: It’s “Always On”—Assessing People and Situations to Let Us Know “What’s Going On”
Function 3: Initiating Action in a Sophisticated and Efficient Manner
Reading the Context at Bat
Threat and Action
The Effects of the Adaptive Unconscious on Our Talk
Positive Effects
Negative Effects
Where We’re Going Next
A Metaphor to Remember
Chapter 4 The Conscious Mind and Emotion
Emotions in Communication
First, Some History
The Functions of Emotion
Becoming Aware of Our Feelings: How We Notice and Name Them
The Swinging Bridge Experiment
What Does This Mean for Effective Communication?
Feelings and Mood
Mood and Opinions
Emotions and Problem-Solving
Emotions and Judgment
Feelings Influence Our “Causal Attribution” of Others’ Behaviors
Competent Communicators Are Emotionally Intelligent
Naming the Emotions
Emotions and Thought in Everyday Talk
Noticing Our Emotions
The Sudden Takeover: When Rational-Emotional Harmony Collapses
Talking about Feelings: Effective Emotional Expression
Emotional Self-Awareness
Awareness of Others’ Emotions: Empathy
Emotional Self-Regulation
Automatic Emotional Expression: A Third Level of Talk
Emotions, “Real Meaning,” and Communication
Where We’re Going Next
Chapter 5 The Mind in Communication: Perception
Perception: Structures for Seeing the World
The Necessity of Selection
Schemas: Organizing Cultural Learning and Personal Experience
Prototypes
Perception: Processes for Seeing
Intensity and Novelty
The Perception Process: Seeing Ourselves in the Context of the World around Us
Ignoring Reality to Be Consistent
Distorting Reality to Be Consistent and Pain-Free
Four Axioms of Perception
Perceiving People: Tools for Creating Internally Consistent Pictures
Thing vs. Person Perception
First Impressions
Emotional Openness: Warm versus Cold
Physical Attractiveness
Implicit Personality Theory
Person and Relational Prototypes: Role Names and Expectations
Stereotypes
Perceiving People: Tools for Creating Consistency through Time
External Consistency Model
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Attribution Process
Perception and Effective Communication
Where We’re Going Next
Chapter 6 The Mind in Communication: Cognition
Cognition: Thinking about Our Perceptions
Contextual Cues
Labeling: Simple or Complex
Using Abstract Judgment Words
Judgment Tools
Distinguishing Facts from Inferences
Just the Facts
The Inference Ladder
The Ladder in Action When We Are Confronted
Errors in Cognition and Talk
Some Guidelines to More Effective Thinking in Conversation
In Conclusion
Where We’re Going Next
Chapter 7 The Self in Communication
Aspects of the Self: Personality, the Self-Concept, and Self-Esteem
Personality
Freud’s Unconscious and the Adaptive Unconscious
An Intermediate View of Personality
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Self-Concept
Our Self-Concept as “I and Me”
Mead’s Three Stages of Self-Development
Keeping Our Story Straight
Social (Cultural) Identities
Situated Identities
Conversational Identities: Face
Self-Monitoring
Self-Esteem
Perception, Cognition, and the Self
Perception: Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Perception: Perceptual Accentuation
Perception: Attribution Bias
Cognition: Labeling
Cognition: Static Evaluation
The Self as Communication Filter
Self-Defense, Games, and Self-Talk in Communication
Avoiding Anxiety: Defending Ourselves against Reality
Freud and the Defenses
Communicating around Our Anxiety and Guilt
Defensive Communication
Transactional Analysis (TA)
The Ego States
Parent Ego State
Child Ego State
Adult Ego State
Transactions
Time Structuring
Games
Scripts
Understanding Our Self-Talk
The Content of Self-Talk
The Effects of Self-Talk
Self-Talk and “Trouble”
Selective Perception
“Allness” Thinking and Labels
Negative Self-Talk and Self-Esteem
Self-Talk and the Inference Ladder
Emotional Reactions and Reality
Where We’re Going Next
Chapter 8 Fundamental Skills for Effective Communication
Effective Communication
Three Critical Abilities
Mindfulness
Appreciation
Meta-Communication
Mindful, Appreciative Meta-Communication Is Possible
Defensive Talk
Supportive (Appreciative) Talk
Three Dimensions of Supportive/Defensive Behavior
A Humanistic Model of Communication
For Mindfulness and Appreciation, First Self-Regulate
From Calmer Reactions to Cooler Thoughts
Self-Management: Inner Talk First Then Outer Talk
The “I Wonder” Question
More Questions
Still More Questions
Disputing Our Own Fears and Beliefs
Self-Managed Expression
Where We’re Going Next
Chapter 9 A Pragmatic Model of Talk and C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Talk
A Pragmatic Model of Talk: The Three Modes
Automatic, Fast, and Certain: C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Talk
Ritual C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Talk or Small Talk
Small Talk for Self-Disclosure
How Small Talk Structures Time
Fundamental Assumptions and Performance Style of C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Talk
C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Talk Shows Our Communication Competence
Emotions and C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Talk: Building Relationships One Bid at a Time
C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Talk as Relationship Maintenance
When C.O.N.N.E.C.T. Talk Disconnects Us
Where We’re Going Next
Chapter 10 The First Mode of Problem-Solving Talk: C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk
Problem-Solving in Conversation
C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk
When C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk Appears
Assumptions and Style Elements of C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk
Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L.: “On the C.O.N.”
Criticism versus Complaint/Active versus Passive
Power
Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L. and Personal Power
Legitimate Power, Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L., and Everyday Rhetoric
Active Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Tactics
Passive Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Tactics
On the “C.O.N.”: Active Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L. in Action
Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L. in the Workplace
The Competitive Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Loop
Competitive Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Is about Personal Power
Everyday Debate Is a Form of Competitive Light C.O.N.T.R.O.L.
Moving into Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L.
Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Tactics
The Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Loop
Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L. in Action
Where We’re Going Next
Chapter 11 The Second Mode of Problem-Solving Talk: D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
The “Three Mode” Model Revisited
The Assumptions of the D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. Mode of Talk
The Style Elements of D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
The “D” of D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.: Descriptive Language
Judgmental versus Descriptive Talk
Descriptive “I-Messages”
D.I. and the Adult Ego State
Self-Managed Assertion
Judgment versus Description: An Example
The Next Step
The Heart of D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
The Heart of D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.: Asking Questions
The “Why” Question
The Heart of D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.: Listening Actively
Overcoming Mental Barriers to Active Listening
Self-Focus versus Other-Orientation
Speaking Rate versus Thought Rate
Criticizing the Speaker
Giving Them Our Undivided Attention
Giving Understanding Feedback
The Four Don’ts
Open Acknowledgment
(1) Situational Acknowledgment
(2) Disarming Acknowledgment
(3) Personal Acknowledgment
(4) Hypothetical Acknowlegment
Genuine Support
Provide Effective Support Anytime
It Always Comes Down to One Choice When Problems Arise
To Get Out of C.O.N.T.R.O.L.: Ask and Listen
Where We’re Going Next
Chapter 12 D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. and Conflict Management
The 3 D’s Become Conflict
The Three Levels of Interpersonal Conflict
Disputation
Defense of Position
Destruction of Relationship
Assertive D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. for Everyday Conflict
Showing up in Your Head in the Moment
Staying in the Moment and Preparing to Speak Authentically
Speaking out Effectively in the Moment
Assertive D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. Techniques
Telling Your Truth
Disclosing Your Feelings
Describing the Effect of Their Behavior
Asking for a Change of Behavior
Using Our Adult Voice
Conflict Management: Life Positions
Avoiding
Forcing
Accommodating
Compromising
Collaboration
Assertive D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. for “Win-Win” Conflict Management
Three Modes, Three Ego States, and Key Conflict-Management Styles
Principled Negotiation
Separate the People from the Problem
Focus on Interests Not Positions
Divorce Mediation Example
Collaboration as the Ultimate “Unnatural Act”
Consider the Alternatives
Chapter 13 Three Critical Contexts for Communication and a Last Word
Gender and Communication
Contradictory Complexity
The Lexicon and Gender
Talking about Differences: Statistical Averages and Extremes
Gender as Context
Gender and Communication between “Subcultures”
Report Talk versus Rapport Talk
Communication across Gender Differences
Relationships and Talk
Relationships and Proximity
Lasting Relationships: Some Defining Characteristics
Friendship and Romantic Relationships
The Life Cycle of Relationships
Talk and Relationship Stabilization
Maintaining a Lasting Relationship
“Coming Apart”
Repairing the Relationship
Family Communication
The External Functions of the Family
The Internal Functions of the Family
People-Making Talk: Socializing Self-Managed People
Parenting Styles and Gaining Compliance
Developing Internalized Self-Management
Dealing with Power
Modeling Self-Managed Behavior
A Last Word about Talk
Effects of Poor Communication
Not More but Better Communication
Making More Mindful Choices